


I'm Begging You To Be My Safety

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Series: If All Is Fair In Love & War, I Can't Do This Anymore [11]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol abuse mention, Angst, Bar fights, Blood, Fighting, Healers, High Fantasy AU, M/M, Recovery, Trauma, Violence, life threatening injuries, rating for language and violence mostly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-07 23:42:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12852045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: John Laurens walks into a bar...It's not what it looks like.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nackledamia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nackledamia/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story takes place a year or so after "Storms" 
> 
> A gift for Nackledamia & an anon, who sent in three separate prompts that came together to form what turned into this short fic. Thank you both so much, you rock <3.

The sun was setting on a hard day.

John rolled his shoulders as he locked up Peggy’s infirmary and took a deep breath. Steadying himself.

Peggy was already gone, he’d chased her out once the last patient was gone and did the clean up by himself. The least he could do, after all she did for him, was make the days he came to help her as easy on her as he could. Days carried a different rhythm down here in the slums. Faster, desperate. Raw. Things John never saw up at the palace, horrible illnesses that could turn very quickly, or wounds left to fester until the healing became triply hard. It was good for his skills and it was good for his mind and it was good for his soul to know he was giving something back that meant something. 

He and Peggy worked seamlessly together, perfectly tuned to each other's rhythms, could sink into a healing together even, if need be, their powers blending almost flawlessly as they worked in tandem. All that time in the prisoners' camp paying off somewhere. 

Sometimes, it almost felt a little like coming home, to come here and work with her. 

Sometimes, though, the rawness of it all, the realness of it all... it still got to him. It got under his skin and into his blood and woke parts of him that were maybe better off sleeping. 

After all this time, the temptation of turning to alcohol and pain was there like a siren song in his blood. There were some things you just couldn’t unlearn, some things you couldn’t erase from your bones. And so he felt it like a whole body ache, a yearning that raised its head in moments like this, always.

He gritted his teeth against it, and started the long walk back to palace row, turned his conversation with Peggy over and over in his head, worrying at it.

Gideon. Fourteen now, and starting to crave trouble the way John craved trouble, as something to soothe a soul deep ache that he couldn’t quite touch. Eliza, bless her, she tried, but she didn’t know what to do, couldn’t get through to Gideon like maybe John could.

Like John wasn’t sure he could.

He hadn’t seen half the things Gideon had lived through, a child orphaned by war and left cast adrift. Had Peggy not taken him and Jothan under her wing, gods only knew what would have happened to them.

Still.

John worried at his bottom lip as he walked, trying to think of the best approach to Gideon. Wanted to reach him, didn’t want to alienate him.

Worried that his own behaviour over the past years had not shown Gideon a very good example of how to cope, and hoped he’d learn from John’s mistakes rather than emulate them.

John slipped his hands into his pockets, turned a corner towards home, dirt packed streets slowly beginning to widen out.

Stopped, his mouth going dry, at the sight of Gideon, as if summoned by John’s thoughts, slipping into the Cracked Chalice, a bar that had been high on John’s list of places to find a strong drink and a fight he could really sink his teeth into. Certainly not a bar that would think twice about serving Gideon if the boy produced enough coin.

Drained from a long day of difficult healings, itching to feel the uncomplicated pain that a fight would bring, and heart in his throat over Gideon, John headed for the Cracked Chalice.

By the time he stepped through the doorway, Gideon was surrounded by three men, sinister smiles on their faces, and yeah, Gideon realized his mistake, John could see the fear on his face from here, drink in his hand, coin purse at his hip, in over his head and drowning fast.

Before John could get there, before he could do anything to stop it, Gideon’s chin lifted, rebellious glint in shy, sweet, quiet Gideon’s eye, and he said something that John couldn’t catch, and one of the men hauled him up clean off the ground by his shirt.

“Oh no you don’t,” John hissed under his breath, and threw himself at the man who dared lay a finger on Gideon. Sweet, intelligent, sensitive Gideon, who was barely more than a child, who had no place being here. Who certainly didn't deserve to be bullied by drunks.

The man let out a shout of surprise and dropped Gideon, turned to John with his fist already flying, and John grinned a feral grin, and sure, he’d meant not to do this anymore, he’d meant to get better, to stop fighting, to stop drinking, to stop seeking out damage like this…

…but he’d be lying if he said a thrill of adrenaline didn’t run through him, head to toe.

He’d be lying if he said that some part of him didn’t still love this.

“Gideon get the hell out of here!” John shouted, but Gideon shook his head, mouth set in a grim line, and damn the kid for his foolish bravery, he threw himself right in too.

After that, well, it was a blur to John. Fists and knees and feet flying, elbows and knees, their little tussle turning into a full on bar brawl, and yeah, John was bleeding, blood hot in his mouth, pouring into one eye from a cut on his forehead, and he was handicapped by just trying to protect the kid as much as he could but man, some sick part of him still lived for this. His blood sang with something that felt an awful lot like joy as he lay someone out with a sucker punch to the chin, felt his knuckles break under the impact.

Felt good.

Felt really good.

Physical pain made sense.

Physical pain could be healed.

John gritted his teeth and tried to draw the fight towards the door, just wanted Gideon out of here in one piece.

“Gideon, get _out_ of here!” John hissed again, could have held his own in an uneven fight if he wasn’t keeping one eye on the kid.

Managed to get a clear opening for the door, and just grabbed Gideon by the shirt and _threw_ him at it.

Bless him for having a brain, Gideon fled.

John, on the other hand, did not.

Now that he was here, now that he had all this fight singing through his bones, he couldn’t deny that deep seated desire. Turned back into the fight with that grin on his face, and now that the kid was out of the way he could really sink his teeth into it-

“Funny, this,” Alex appeared beside John as if from nowhere, breathing hard, already sporting a bloody nose. “Doesn’t look a whole lot like trying not to get drunk and get the shit kicked out of you.”

Nothing kind in those words, or in the cold glare Alex shot him.

John’s heart sank like a stone, adrenaline leaving his body in a sudden rush, and just like that it didn’t feel good anymore, it just felt like failure. It just felt like letting down the people he loved the most. Again. 

“It’s not what it looks like,” John hissed back, distracted, eyes on Alex, just wanted out of here now.

“Like fuck it’s not what it-“ Alex’s words cut off abruptly, eyes wide, blood draining from his face.

Alex stumbled forwards, and John caught him, didn’t think, just slung Alex’s arm over his shoulders and broke for the door, let the fight turn in on itself as they burst out into the street, Alex gasping for breath, Alex clutching his side, Alex nearly dead weight against John.

Outside, John lowered Alex to the ground, out of the way, up near the wall, wished desperately for a light.

“Alex, Alex, stay with me!” John could see Alex struggling to stay conscious, and losing ground with every second that passed. Blood poured from his stomach, gaping knife wound high up under his ribs, too big, losing blood too fast. Alex turned whiter and whiter, gasping for air, fingers clutching at nothing, and there was no time.

John yanked his shirt off over his head, balled it up and pressed hard into Alex’s side, wasn’t enough, wasn’t nearly enough. Only a heartbeat before he could feel the blood soaking through the shirt into his palms, hot and sticky and too much, too fast.

There was no time to call for help.

There was no time to find a healer that had any business trying to heal Alex.

John couldn’t live with himself if he just let Alex die here in the dirt.

John couldn’t live with the way Lafayette would surely break apart if John let Alex die.

“Fuck, fuck, Alex. Alex I know you can’t hear me but I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. For all of it.” John choked on a sob, tears already streaming hot down his face, and this was it, this was the end of the road, and if he could just do one last thing that might mean something…

One last thing that might be good…

He couldn’t not try.

Tossed the shirt out of the way – it wasn’t doing much good anyways – and pressed his bare palms into that awful, awful wound.

Took a deep breath, maybe the last one he’d ever be aware of taking, and reached down and into himself. Grasped that beautiful green light in imaginary fingertips, felt the sheer _joy_ of it, and pushed, down and _out_.

Into Alex, losing blood fast, body shutting down, having the nerve to try to _die_ on him.

Oh no.

Not happening.

Not this one.

John had a fraction of a second to feel the rush of panic, pure and ice cold, that hit him like a battering ram as his power flared up in white hot rage, like nothing he’d ever felt before, and just took over.

Deep _yank_ at something in the very center of him, and he was lost in a hurricane of green and white and pain, oh gods the pain.


	2. Chapter 2

Lafayette was only just beginning to worry, evening stretching into night, when frantic pounding at the door startled him out of his reverie.

Heart in his throat, Lafayette took the stairs three at a time, racing down to open the door.

Stared, uncomprehending, at Gideon on the other side, left eye swelling shut, nasty cut on his jaw, nose and lip bleeding.

“Gideon! What on earth!? What happened, come inside out of the cold!” Lafayette stepped aside, ushered Gideon into the foyer, hands on his shoulders, concern etched in every line of his face.

“You gotta- Lafayette, you gotta come with me,” Gideon gasped out, borderline hysterical, shaking from head to toe, already trying to pull Lafayette back out the door.

“Why, Gideon what happened?” Fear, lodging in Lafayette’s throat, sharp as shattered glass.

“Alex, Alex is hurt, it’s all my fault, John tried- John tried to heal him-“ Gideon stammered.

Lafayette went cold. Knew, because John had told him once that it was beyond dangerous to try to heal someone for whom you cared deeply. Knew that the healing power would feed off the wielder’s love, and take over.

Knew that the person on the receiving end of such out of control power rarely survived.

Knew that the healer…

The healer never did.

“Let’s go,” Lafayette stuffed his feet into his boots, grabbed his coat, and ran out the door on Gideon’s heels.

Lafayette ran as if in a dream. Barely remembered his feet hitting cobblestones, and cobblestones turning to dirt, buildings closing in, looming over them as they left the affluent parts of the city behind.

Gideon ran as fast as he could, Lafayette on his heels, Lafayette barely breathing, Lafayette with his heart in his throat.

They rounded a corner and Lafayette stopped dead.

Swayed.

It took everything he had not to go to his knees right where he was.

Peggy, her hands on John’s temples, shaking with effort.

John, his hands white on Alex’s belly, bent low over him, face twisted in what could only be agony.

Alex, on his back and clearly unconscious.

Far too much blood.

City guard ringed loosely around the little group, facing outwards protectively.

Gideon fell to his knees next to Peggy. Tugged his coat off, and draped it over her shoulders.

Lafayette swallowed hard, and ran the rest of the way. Dropped to his knees on Peggy’s other side. Didn’t dare touch.

Couldn’t take his eyes off the scene in front of him. Alex, barely breathing, skin white, so much blood. John, barely breathing, lips turning blue.

Peggy, sweating, tears pouring down her face, shaking like a leaf, brow knitted in concentration. Lips moving silently like she was coaching herself through.

Lafayette had never felt so helpless in his life.

Time slowed to a crawl.

Lafayette’s gaze met Gideon’s, held rapt in fear.

“I’m so sorry,” Gideon whispered.

“Shh,” Lafayette said, soft. Opened his arms, and let his gaze drop back to the unreliable rise and fall of Alex’s chest as Gideon crawled around Peggy, and launched himself into Lafayette’s embrace, unashamed.

“It’s all my fault. If they die, it’s all my fault!”

Let out a howl of absolute anguish, and dissolved into sobs.

Lafayette held Gideon tight, stared and stared at Alex and John, willing their chests to keep rising, hating the blue palour of John’s face and fingertips, hating the jerky, shallow way Alex was breathing.

Hours passed.

One of the city guard peeled away from the group, muttered low to the rest, and trotted away.

In search of another healer.

Gideon, shaking and sobbing against him, was barely registering in the edge of Lafayette’s awareness, he was so focussed on John and Alex.

If Lafayette hadn’t been watching so closely, he might have missed the way Alex’s breathing evened out. Deepened.

The way his mouth softened, like he wasn’t fighting quite so hard to breathe any more. Steady. Stable.

Lafayette held his breath.

Lafayette squeezed Gideon tighter, knuckles white in Gideon’s shirt. Waited, with his heart in his throat. Didn’t know what he would do if he lost Alex and John both in one fell swoop. Follow, probably. Couldn’t live with losing them both, with not being there when they needed him, with being so damn helpless when they needed him most. Couldn’t wake up in a world where despite everything life threw at them, they still ended up losing.

Had to believe the gods wouldn’t turn away now.

Wasn’t religious, not really, but gods. He’d never met anyone who tried to do as much good as John did. He’d overheard the other healers, knew John was something special with his powers. Had to believe the gods wouldn’t turn their backs on all of that.

Had to.

Would have done anything he could to give Peggy the strength to carry this through.

Watched as Alex’s breathing deepened further, watched colour return to his face, watched his hand unclench.

Felt weak with relief as Peggy reached down with one hand, slow, careful, and pulled one of John’s hands away from Alex’s side, tucked it away from Alex’s body. Put her hand back on his temple, every motion so slow, so deliberate.

Carefully, Peggy repeated the motion with her other hand. She reached down, curled her fingers around John’s wrist. Stilled, and stayed that way for a long moment.

Pulled John’s hand away from Alex’s side, breaking the link.

Lafayette bit down hard on his bottom lip, watched Peggy pull John back against her chest, his head lolling back onto her shoulder. Watched Peggy take John’s hands and thread their fingers together, holding on tight.

The sounds of a carriage clattering down the street barely registered to Lafayette until it was halting beside them and two healers poured out of it, rushing over.

One settled on the ground by Alex’s head. Reached out and settled her hands on his forehead.

Lafayette recognized the way she closed her eyes and breathed out.

Held his breath as she pulled back only a moment later.

“Is he…?” He whispered, terrified.

“He’s fine,” she replied. Easy smile, hands still resting lightly on Alex’s head. “We’ll take him back to the palace anyways, he should be monitored, but he’ll be alright.”

Lafayette sagged, relieved.

“Can you…?” he looked at John and Peggy.

Didn’t like the way she bit her lip, and shook her head.

“No…” she moved out of the way, let her colleague and the driver lift Alex carefully, and transfer him to the back of the healer’s carriage. “I don’t dare try, it’s hard to join into a complex healing, and something like this…” she shook her head again. “Unless she pulls out, I don’t dare try to go in.”

Sat there and watched, instead.

Gideon went quiet in Lafayette’s arms. Pulled back, and sat next to Lafayette, arms wrapped around his middle, holding himself tight.

After what seemed like an eternity, John’s breathing deepened. The colour returned to his face, blue lips warming. Peggy dropped one hand from John’s, and opened her eyes. Looked straight at Lafayette, and whispered,

“You keep him alive until morning so I can wring his fucking neck.”

Passed out cold.

Lafayette dove, caught her right before her head hit the ground, John’s body across hers.

A flurry of activity, then. Healers on both Peggy and John for the briefest moment, then lifting them into the carriage. Lafayette and Gideon scrambling up front with the driver. Carriage peeling out at a fast canter, wheeling and heading for the palace.

~

Later, settled into the infirmary, Peggy, Alex, and John all tucked into cots, Gideon curled in a chair by the fire, passed out into a deep sleep of sheer exhaustion, the two healers on duty.

Lafayette settled on a stool between Alex and John. Held their hands tight in his own, and waited.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex woke up slowly, floundering up from a deep sleep, familiar heavy post-healing feeling weighing him down.

Felt like he’d been hit with a battering ram.

Opened his eyes to the palace infirmary, roaring fire in the fire place, soft ebb and flow of conversation.

His hand in Lafayette’s hand.

“Laf?” he whispered.

Lafayette’s head whipped around, and he was off his stool, kneeling on the floor, face inches from Alex’s, eyes brimming with unshed tears.

“Oh Alexander, how are you feeling?” Lafayette asked, brushed shaking fingers over Alex’s cheek.

“Like shit, Laf. What happened?” Alex croaked. Leaned into Lafayette’s caress. Couldn’t pinpoint where the pain originated, just ached all over.

Lafayette leaned in, kissed him soft and sweet.

“I’m not sure. Gideon came and got me. John… John tried to heal you, Alex…” Lafayette trailed off, hushed.

“No,” Alex breathed. Sucker punch to the gut. Shook his head, felt numb all over. Knew well what happened to healers who tried to heal those they loved. Couldn’t believe, after everything they’d been through, that John was just gone. Not now. Not after they’d finally started to get it right.

“It’s okay. It’s okay Starlight, he’s alright. Peggy… Peggy pulled off a damned miracle, Alex.” Lafayette’s hands stroked over his face, Lafayette’s lips kissed his forehead.

“Oh… fuck,” Alex swore. Didn’t know what the hell else to say. 

Shifted over, painfully slow, aching everywhere. Wanted Lafayette close.

Lafayette climbed up onto the cot, propped himself up with pillows and let Alex curl in against him, head on Lafayette’s broad chest. He looked across Lafayette, breath catching at the sight of John in his cot, sound asleep. Looked beyond exhausted, face ashen beneath his freckles. Peggy asleep in the cot on John’s other side, looking just as drained. Couldn’t believe they’d made it through.

“What happened, Starlight?” Lafayette asked, voice soft.

Alex closed his eyes, took a steadying breath.

“He was fighting, Laf. I… I don’t know. I was looking at a building for the school, and was heading home…” Alex paused for a breath, even the effort of talking a lot. “Heard the commotion in the bar, and just had this feeling… fuck, maybe that makes me an asshole for not trusting that he wouldn’t… that he didn’t… but I went in-“

“It’s my fault.”

Alex stopped mid sentence. Twisted in Lafayette’s arms to look over at Gideon, looking despondent and small in an arm chair.

“What?” he asked, uncomprehending.

“It’s my fault. John, he wasn’t. It’s not what it looked like, Alex. It’s my fault,” Gideon said, voice shaking.

“Come here, Giddy,” Alex said quietly. Closed his eyes for a moment to gather strength.

Hesitantly, Gideon padded over. Sat tentatively on the edge of the cot.

“What happened?” Alex asked. Watched Gideon closely.

“I wanted… it’s stupid. It honestly is, Alex. I… I just…” Gideon balled up his hands into fists, pressed them into his closed eyes for a moment. Huffed, frustrated. “Sometimes everything just seems like too much, and I can’t breathe, and I can’t stop my head and it gets so I just want to scream to make it stop. I feel, fuck, I feel like the worst kind of failure, because I should be happy, my life is good now. No, it’s great. It’s great, and I just feel like I want to throw it all away because I’m tired of thinking so damn much… and I know… I know John used to drink, because it got too hard to sit with his head… and I thought maybe…” Gideon trailed off, staring at his hands in his lap. Choked on a sob.

“Giddy…” Alex reached out, found Gideon’s hand and squeezed.

Gideon shook his head, tears dripping onto Alex’s hand in his lap.

“It’s my fault. John must’ve, he must’ve saw me go in. They let me have a drink, but then these guys, they… they tried to take my purse, and I was cornered and scared and I thought maybe if I stood up to them they’d back off, but they didn’t… John jumped in. I don’t know what would’ve happened if he wasn’t there, but, oh gods, I caused this. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” Gideon dissolved into sobs, and Alex squeezed his hand, held on tight, exchanged worried glances with Lafayette.

“Giddy. Giddy, listen to me,” Alex said, soft.

Gideon took a deep, shuddering breath, and looked at Alex.

“That’s it. Be brave now, you’re not a kid anymore.” Alex squeezed Gideon’s hand again, Lafayette quiet beside him, arm steady around Alex’s waist. “You feel like that, you come talk to me, or John, or Laf, you hear me? You are not alone, Giddy. You are never, ever, without help, you hear me? You think John doesn’t know what it feels like to be so overwhelmed by your head you can’t breathe? You think maybe he’s learned something from all this, that there’s a better way? You think I don’t know what you came from? Gid, our lives look damn similar, I get it. You think any of us would think you’re weak for this?” Alex snorted a bitter little laugh. “Not hardly.”

“But I…” Gideon sniffled, helpless. “I almost got you killed. John too.”

“No. Giddy you listen to me. John knows damn well better than to try to heal me, and he made a choice to do it anyway and that’s on him. I know better than to get in a bar fight – I’m real good at getting stabbed in the gut,” little laugh at that. “We’re both grown men who can decide for ourselves.”

“But I…”

“But nothing. Here’s what you’re gonna do, Gid, if you want to make it right. You listening?”

Tearful nod from Gideon, and man, Alex was exhausted, wanted to close his eyes and go back to sleep for a week. 

Lafayette gave him a little squeeze, said nothing. 

Alex took a deep breath, dug deep, and found a little more try.

“You’re going to see the mind healers, once a week, on a schedule. Just like John and Laf and I all do.”

“You go to the mind healers?” Gideon cut in, incredulous.

“Sure do,” Alex snorted, offered Gideon a lopsided grin. “You think I can keep my head on straight without help? Yeah right. Next, you’re going to start taking weapons classes. Not because I want you getting in fights, but because I want you to learn what it means to have physical power, and I want you to learn to control it. And,” Alex grinned darkly, “if you do get cornered by people who like to throw their weight around, I want you to hold your own.”

Gideon nodded, all solemn, and yeah, he was listening now.

“Third, you feel like you’re drowning, you come to one of us, alright?” Alex let go of Gideon’s hand, let him make the choice himself.

Gideon nodded, swallowing hard.

“Alright. I can do that,” he said, quiet.

“If I hear that you don’t, Gid, I’ll make you wish I’d died last night.” Alex grinned, little feral.

Gideon laughed, and shook his head, fresh wave of tears brimming in his eyes.

~

The healers checked Alex over, declared him fine, not even a hint of a scratch left anywhere on his body.

Chased Gideon out when Eliza and Jothan came to fetch him. Quiet conversation between Alex and Eliza, little promise between them all not to let Gideon slip through the cracks. Mind healing set up for both him, and Jothan too. Just in case.

Left Alex and Lafayette alone with Peggy and John, still sleeping deeply.

Alex napped, let Lafayette feed him a small meal of soft noodles in broth. Napped some more.

Peggy woke late in the afternoon, sat up in a rush, scrambling up out of the blankets, and stood, blinking around the infirmary in surprise, eyes wide. Stared down at John, asleep in the middle cot, exhausted, but peaceful.

“He’s okay?” She whispered, looking like she’d seen a ghost.

“Thanks to you, Peggy,” Lafayette said, gentle.

“Oh, gods…” Peggy dropped back onto her cot, staring at John. “He shouldn’t be here. Gods.” Stunned. Weak with relief.

~

No sign of waking from John, and sleep eventually rose up and claimed even Lafayette.

~

Another day passed. Alex was declared fit to leave. Peggy too, though she wound up pulled into a flurry of meetings at the college, having pulled off what was previously impossible.

The healers checked in on John periodically, soft hands on his forehead.

Left him alone, said he just needed time, everything inside him blown wide open and raw, but healing.

~

Alex and Lafayette stayed put, pulled two cots together, and the healers didn’t seem that upset to still have Alex under their watchful eye, wanted him to rest for several weeks. Blood loss and near death coupled with the full force of John’s powers running rampant through him unchecked was a lot for his body to take.

He still felt like he’d been hit with a battering ram, slept most of the day in Lafayette’s arms, and tolerated continued examination and questioning by the healers, understood that something unprecedented had occurred, even if he hadn’t been conscious for any of it.

Understood that Peggy had done the impossible.

Lafayette was quiet, held John’s hand like a lifeline, and kept his arm curled tight around Alex.

Alex let him. Understood that he’d just lived through hell a second time.

No scar to show for it, this time.

Alex had blinked in surprise the first time he really looked at his stomach, expecting to see a scar, because John always left them. Instead found nothing. Not a trace of a wound on him, a more complete healing than he’d ever received in his life. Felt, below the bone deep, all over ache of healing, more whole than he had in years.

Alex begged a book off one of the healers. Read to John in a low voice in his waking moments, while Lafayette held John’s hand and rubbed slow circles over the back of it with his thumb.

Waited.

At night, when the infirmary closed down, no one in the building save the three of them and one healer on call in the little apartment upstairs, Lafayette held Alex close, kissed him again and again and again. Tried to hold fear at bay.

On the fourth morning, Alex climbed out of bed, let Lafayette push the cots on either side of John tight against his cot. Stretched himself out next alongside John, felt the slow, shallow rise and fall of his breathing, the slow, slow, beat of his heat. Nuzzled into the crook of his neck, felt his soft skin, kissed his freckles. Closed his eyes and smelled his faint scent, let his soft curls brush against his face.

Didn’t believe the healers that he was out of the woods, even if they looked calm.

How could they really know?

Lafayette curled in close on John’s other side. Brushed the backs of his fingers over Alex’s cheek. Kissed the side of John’s head. Murmured to him, low, soft words.

Alex sighed. Ran his fingertip down the bridge of John’s nose.

Would never forgive himself if John died trying to save him. Didn’t deserve it, not nearly.

“I’m sorry, Laf. If he…” Couldn’t say it. Choked on his voice just thinking about it.

“Alexander don’t you dare. Don’t even think it,” Lafayette said. Sharp. Fierce.

~

Later, anger welled up from somewhere deep under the exhaustion, under the slowly fading ache in Alex's bones. Grabbed hold of him and wouldn’t let go.

How dare life put them through everything it had, just to take John from them like this.

How dare life give him a taste of what he could have, just a small slice of bliss, and then rip it away.

How dare life show him how good it could be, just to yank it back again.

Tugged on John’s earlobe, a little rough, a little mean. Ignored the look of protest Lafayette shot him, his whole face an open wound.

“Don’t you dare die on me John Laurens. Don’t you even fucking think about it. I will bring you back from the dead and I will fucking kill you again, don’t think I won’t. Fuck you John, you get your ass back here!” Alex hissed, voice low, right into John’s ear. Pinched his earlobe, didn’t let go, was tired of waiting for him to wake up on his own, tired of fear, tired of holding his heart in his mouth. Tired of watching the same fear reflected on Lafayette’s face.

Wanted his life back, wanted to go home, wanted John back.

"Alexander..." Lafayette hissed, chiding.

John took a sudden, sharper breath.

Lafayette sat bolt upright and shouted for the healer on duty.

“Asshole,” John rasped, voice hoarse, so quiet it was almost inaudible.

Alex choked back a surprised laugh, then burst into tears as John opened his eyes and turned his head towards him, loopy, tired smile on his face. He yanked him close, face pressed into John’s hair, sobbing and weak with relief.

“You motherfucker, you scared the shit out of us, don’t you ever do that again, what the fuck John!” Alex choked out, holding him tight, laughing and sobbing and downright hysterical.

Lafayette was there too, arms around both Alex and John, holding them tight, loud sobs of his own.

John laughed, little dazed, tried to touch both Alex and Lafayette, then pulled back and stared at Alex.

“Alex, Alex…” touched Alex’s face like he didn’t believe he was seeing him. “You’re alive. I’m… I’m alive?” Said the last like a question.

“Yes you reckless bastard,” Alex chided, but there was no heat in his voice, just love and relief, giddy with it, drunk on it.

“I… what… how?” John asked, voice slow, head lolling over to look at Lafayette. Smiled and leaned into the flurry of kisses Lafayette peppered over his face.

“Peggy,” Lafayette whispered.

“Wow,” John said, struck a little dumb.

Alex nuzzled against John again, revelled in the flutter of his heartbeat against his face, the warmth of his body, the weak sound of his voice.

Flurry of activity then, healers badgering Alex and Lafayette out of the way to check on John. Declared him fine with bright smiles, another couple of days of rest under their care, and then they could all go home. Daily visits for Alex and John for a while, until they were fully back on their feet, and no work for either of them for at least a month.

Finally, the healers left them alone.

Alex and Lafayette curled close against John again, exhaustion heavy on Alex’s shoulders, John pale and weak.

John reached up, cupped Alex’s cheek and drew him into a slow, lingering kiss.

Alex’s breath hitched, heart twisting in his chest. He slid his hand over John’s chest, fingers spread wide, John’s heartbeat under his palm. Didn’t think he’d ever been so grateful to feel the rise and fall of breathing under his hand.

Lafayette’s hand settled over his, comforting weight reassuring.

“Gods, Alex, I was so scared…” John whispered against his mouth. Swallowed hard against a sob. “Thought we were both goners, but I couldn’t just sit there and watch you die. I just couldn’t.”

Traded kisses three ways until slowly, sleep claimed them, John first, Alex next, and finally Lafayette.

~

Days later, resting outside the infirmary in the sun, John looked over at Peggy, could see his own bone deep exhaustion reflected in her warm brown eyes.

“How’d you do it?” He asked, quiet.

She shrugged a little. Smiled.

“I just let you do it, honestly. It sounds so simple, but your powers are more than enough to have healed Alex on your own, if it hadn’t been Alex. I couldn’t stop it, so I guided it instead. It was…” she paused, looked up at the clear sky, shook her head a little. “I’ve never felt anything like it John. I couldn’t pull it back, all I could do was steer it. That’s why Alex has no scar from it, I couldn’t stop your power from fixing everything, and I mean _everything_ \- Alex’s body is good as new John, better than it’s probably _ever_ been. Once your power realized it was done, I was able to coax it back before it killed you both.”

John let out a long breath.

“Sounds so simple. People have tried that before, though… why did it work this time?” he watched her face, watched her turn inwards, remembering.

“A couple of reasons, the college thinks. You’re powerful enough to have had reserves even after healing everything you could have possibly healed in him. If you hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have been able to stop your power from pulling your life force after it. That, and you and I have healed in tandem so many times that your power recognizes me as a friend, and I know it well enough to work in harmony with it,” Peggy said. "I've also healed Alex a number of times, which might have helped too." She turned onto her side, head pillowed on her arm, watching him. “Damn fool move, John.”

“Would you have done anything different?” John shot back, defensive.

“No.” Peggy smiled. Shook her head.

“I’m sorry, though. I’m sorry, Peggy. You saved my life. Alex’s too,” John reached for her hand, squeezed it tight. She’d stuck by him through so much, he didn’t know what he’d do without her.

“Don’t. I’m not,” she replied, relaxed. Twined her fingers with his, warm sun soothing on John’s aching body. “Now that we did it, we know it can be done. That means we can work on it, John. We can figure out how to do it again, how to make it safer, how to make it so more people can do it, if they need to. I don’t know it it will be doable in every situation, but just think John, if even a fraction of the time, if it could be done…” As tired as she was, Peggy’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Imagine what else we might be able to do with tandem healers. Imagine, if we trained more healers to work together like you and I can, the things we might be able to do, John… it’s amazing.”

John laughed, spirits buoyed by her enthusiasm, her passion.

“Just don’t ask me to do it again,” he said, half joking.

Peggy let go of his hand, swatted his arm, and none to gently. Shot back,

“Don’t you dare!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hey there! 
> 
> Thanks for reading this unexpected addition to the series. Love you all, thank you so very much for all of your support, kudos, comments, etc. It truly means the world to me <3

**Author's Note:**

> comments, prettiest please <3 <3


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